To party or not to party, I wish it were a question.
Without getting into too much detail, it will be important for this and future posts to tell you that I’m not in a general education program, but in fact in a more regimented, you’re with the same people all the time program. I tell you this so a) I don’t get people saying, “Just make friends in one of your other classes”, or some other such sayings. I have no other classes, and not enough time to start ‘joining’ things. Also b) because we are in a regimented program, we have groups on the internet that involve all of us, so if someone posts something we all see it, it’s one doodle that can’t be undid.
I tell you this because of the phantom party incident. One of the ‘cooler’ classmates posted that they were going to have a party this most recent Friday (2 days ago), and I was actually going to go. I figured I spend all my time assuming they don’t like me, but I never go out of my way to spend time with them, therefore never finding out how horribly wrong I am, or at least proving to them how horribly wrong they are. In any case, the party was simply mentioned, it wasn’t an event posting with a time and an address, so all I could do to show my enthusiasm was ‘like’ the post.
So after that, when the day got closer I figured I would ask at school where it was and I could go, but then Friday morning the first weird thing happened. We were in class, one that all of us are in, and one of the ‘cool’ ones that is nice to me was sitting next to me talking to the party host. I didn’t hear what they were saying except the nice one was saying ‘I’m so psyched’. He then looked at me and said ‘Anonymous, I’m so psyched.’ I asked him what about, and the weird thing was the pause. He didn’t say right away, he paused, thought about what he was saying, and told me, ‘oh just about class’.
I’m paraphrasing of course, but I was sure he was psyched about something other than class. To be fair, I’m pretty sure he was high, so the thinking could have been because of his state of mind, but I got a weird feeling it was about the party, but he didn’t want to say it to me. Needless to say this made me nervous enough about actually being welcome, that I didn’t ask about the party.
However later I was outside having a lovely conversation with one of my classmates that has always been kind to me, when another came by. I casually asked about the party then, and other classmate, lets call him…last years mistake (I may explain that one day) told me he thought it was cancelled. He didn’t hesitate, so I figured he was telling the truth. We engaged in a little more conversation but that was end of party talk. It even appeased my fears from earlier. However much later another strange thing happened, which has made me paranoid yet again.
At about 11pm – 1am (I wasn’t really looking at the clock) I was out for a cigarette at my residence. I’m not sure if I mentioned, I’m old and living in residence. Also I smoke a little, which I know I know I know I need to stop. Anyway, one of the other students in my program in residence came outside and was on his phone, walking towards the parking lot. I decided to go over and say a quick hello, and boy did he seem weirded out by this. I wouldn’t expect him to be weirded out, we usually are fairly comfortable with each other, but this time not so much. I decided to ask him about the Phantom Party and he said it was cancelled too, but I heard a girl on the phone and while it could have been anyone, it also kinda sounded like a girl in our program. He said he was off to hang out with someone who wasn’t in our program, however I’m not sure if it’s true. It could be of course, it could be a friend or a hookup that he didn’t want me to know about, but the paranoid insecure girly girl in me feared that whether it was the Phantom Party or random hangouts, it could be people I know, who wish they didn’t know me.
I understand that I could be crazy with all of my random fears, but I also could be totally sane. I don’t know what to think, all I know is that I feel like more than half of my classmates want nothing to do with me, and since they’re all I have up here, it doesn’t exactly feel very good.
Even worse I think is that I’m as old as I am, worried that people much younger than me don’t likely. Well not all of them are younger and yeah, age doesn’t matter, blah blah blah, but I thought I was over this random insecurity thing. I hoped that I could be above it. I should in fact be above it, because not only do I have a few friends here that make me feel important and loved, but I left a whole town behind filled with friends and family who love me for me, so I shouldn’t need any new friends out here.
Perhaps it’s because I’ve always had more than 3 friends to see. Not to mention for the last 3-9 years, they’ve been able to go to the bar and have a couple drinks, and talk about things other than the ever present drama, while complaining that other people are too dramatic. I’m sure I did that when I was their age, but the thing is I’m not anymore, so while I may understand it, I’m not exactly ‘there’ and I’m pretty sure my eyes glaze over eventually.
Anyway, whether the party happened and was just invisible to me, or didn’t happen, but was definitely a real idea, I feel Phantom Party is the best title for it, and it will stay the reminder that perhaps, instead of looking for ghosts, I should just accept that they’re there, but live my life like they’re not.
Until we meet again
– Anonymous Student